I am still struggling with my inner dialog and trying to quiet it all down. Shhhh! I know part of it is being human, a woman, whatever, but sometimes I just want to say....STOP YELLING AT ME! I had this revelation this morning about how the enemy works with me. I am constantly worried about doing what is "right" and making sure everyone else agrees that I am doing the "right" thing, I always need this validated. This is where he gets me. I get caught up between decisions I have made, some God has asked of me, others I know are right or godly, but this little voice constantly nagging in my head says "is that really godly? is that really how you should act? is that really what God said?" Kinda sounds familiar as a voice described in Genesis? Shut UP!
My fear of man and people not "being mad at me" really gets in the way of my boldness or even believing actual truth or living in peace. Trying to juggle everyone's happiness in order to soothe that part of my broken soul is both tiring and impossible. I have to learn to let this go, its clearly an on-going process.
I have been fighting with myself about writing as well, do I write here, do I write on Eisy Morgan, do I write about my whole process and the whole story, do I write about what moved me today and what I am learning now. Too many questions and wanting to do things in order. It reminds me of how I am with tv shows. If I haven't watched a show from the beginning I won't watch it, I have to watch it in order, I have to know what happened and why its happening. I suppose I think this is how my blogging should be too, but I don't know why I make these rules up for myself. Donald Miller put up a quote the other day saying something about don't write what needs to be written but write where the writing is taking you. Or something like that. I kinda took it as freedom, like, don't THINK so much about it and just start writing. I clearly THINK way too much, anyone else?
Anyways, as I work through these things I am still trying to listen, trust, pay attention to God and what He is teaching me, showing me, etc. Being broken does require some constant wound attendance that I can't just let slide. I must say that this last week I was really proud of myself. I kept my apartment clean all week and cooked almost every night of the week, and got almost all of our laundry done. This is kinda huge for me. These things seem to bury me sometimes. But I felt the Lord telling me or reminding me that those who are faithful with the small things will be given more. This is what He has given me right now, even if it seems meaningless and trivial.
Today at church there was one illustration that really stood out to me. He was talking about David and the story of Goliath. I have always liked David and Joseph because they were people who God told early on who they were but they didn't become those people then, it was a long process to that day. He said we are all familiar with this story and David killing Goliath with his sling shot and don't always consider how good he was with that weapon, not by coincidence or accident, but by all the days he spent as a shepherd. He pointed out that even after Samuel anointed him as future king, he still hung out there with the sheep. Protecting them from bears and lions and so what was a giant? His whole life has been leading him and preparing him for this moment, one that didn't seem unfamiliar, hard, or over whelming. All this time he was getting really good at using that sling shot. And I thought, yes, this is what being a stay at home mom is going to and is for me. I am learning to use my sling shot, and its going to become second nature to me.
I was also listening to Beth Moore this week, (what a shocker), and she was talking about an article she had read by a great speaker about our quiet times being stale or boring and to try taking a walk with the Lord or watching a sunset and taking in his glory this way. She said, yes, this was a very nice thing to do every now and then, but not a steady diet of how to spend time with God. To not know God's word and be in it, the thing that changes us and gives us power, especially against the enemy, is vital. What are we going to say when we need a word when lies or attack are coming against us...."oh yeah, guess what? I watched a sunset today". It's so true.
Sometimes I have fought the idea of quiet times and you must do this or that with the Lord. It all seems too stuffy and fake. But this is different. Especially because I have been so defeated and bombarded with lies that I see how much I need truth, to help me, free me, remind me of its reality and power and protect me. It's not about rules, time, do this check list, it's about freedom and power. It's about learning how to use a sling shot. I don't want to be a helpless weak girl, when I have to authority in Christ to be a powerful bold woman. The only way this will happen is for me to know Him more, know what He says about me, about others, about love, about life, and on and on and on. These are the stones I must be collecting.