Saturday, May 25, 2013


So I have been thinking a little recently about what another C-section will be like. I am not one to live in the future yet at the same time I like to know what to expect, if that makes sense. I suppose I could try and have a VBAC but, to be honest, I really don't want to.
The plan is now to get my tubes tied while they are all up in there, when you are done..
you are done;)
Like I have talked or written about many a time, having another baby makes me nervous.
To be honest, I think I may have experienced some PTSD around the birth of Ashton.
This might sound extreme and could be inaccurate but this is the definition I found of it in regards to child birth....
"Birth trauma is an event that occurs during any phase of the childbearing process than involves actual or threatened serious injury or death to the mother or her infant. The trauma can be classified as a negative outcome, such as a postpartum hemorrhage, or psychological distress. Experiencing this extremely traumatic stressor, a woman’s response can be intense fear, helplessness, loss of control, and horror. (Beck, 229)"
I can't say for sure, but it was a rough time on me.
I went in to be "induced" and that was not explained to me. I was a week late and I thought they would give me some drugs and I would go into labor and have the baby that night or next morning. I had no clue that it could take up to THREE days!
I was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines which made it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom, let alone sleep or shower.
They moved my room three times throughout the process.
They gave me Pitocin, which actually did NOTHING for me.
At one point I was having something that resembled contractions and they gave me meds so I could try to sleep.
The nurses, of which I had countless of, would randomly come in and look at the movement monitor and freak me out by saying he wasn't moving enough or his heartbeat didn't look normal.
I just remember crying.
What was going on??
After the third day of trying in all sorts of "fun" manners to get me to efface, dilate, go into labor they declared it a failed induction and scheduled me for the C-section.
They had to put it off however many hours because I had eaten.
So I have been in the hospital three days, barely any sleep, pushed prodded and tied to machines. I was physically exhausted and mentally and emotionally so drained. I could care less that I had to have a C-section, just get this baby OUT OF ME!
I remember feeling like I was in a daze of sorts. If I did close my eyes I would dream instantly, that is how exhausted I was.
They got me ready for the procedure and I wasn't nervous at all, like I said, it all felt like a dream.
They sat me on the table and told me they were going to give me a spinal and to swing my legs up immediately because I would lose feeling in them fast.
They laid me back and got the whole set up done. My anesthesiologist told me that if I felt worried or like I couldn't breath to let her know. At one point I did and she said,
"we do hundreds of these a week, they all know just what to do, don't worry"
So I relaxed a bit.
They blow this warm air on your arms, I think its so you can't hear anything and again a few dreamy like minutes later and out came Ashton.
He didn't cry, which of course concerned me. Daniel said he had a look on his face like
"what the heck? I was nice and comfy in there".
He was 9lb 9oz so pretty glad I didn't have to push him out and no wonder he wasn't moving much, he was smashed in there.
They took us to a recovery area and I started getting so cold. They finally gave him to me to try and get him to eat and I was still so out of it feeling. He wouldn't eat and the nurse is freaking out about it and kind of like yelling at me, like I knew ANYTHING? But it was freaking me out.
The next thing I knew we were in some weird recovery room, which I stayed in till we left. The grandparents and siblings came to see him for a few minutes and I have very little memory of this night. All I wanted to do was go to sleep.
And there is some weird guilt around that. Here I have just had my first precious child and I just want to go to sleep. I was on my 4th day of being awake nearly the whole time, just had major surgery and can't seem to get my baby enough food, and I just wanted to shut my eyes.
That night I kept trying to breastfeed but he wouldn't latch or whatever. Nurses were in and out and they took him to the NICU and then brought him back and then took him back and I just fell asleep. I just couldn't take it.
Nurses were coming in and putting these weird booty things on my legs, I suppose to help circulation. They were seeing to my catheter (which honestly was magical at the time), I had to blow in this contraption to help my lungs do something, I was on pain medication and when I would ask for more, that particular nurse seemed to think I was some sort of drug attic. All I knew was that I was really tired, and I was really in pain and was trying to make it through the night. It was very scary, it was very lonely. I had no idea what was happening to me and I had no idea what was happening to Ashton.
Daniel was just as tired as I was, trying to sleep his 4th night on that pull out bed thing.
The next morning I was finally awake and aware enough to ask, "where is my kid?"
I think Daniel knew, but I didn't. He was still in the NICU and no one bothered to fill me in on what was happening with my brand new child. I hobbled out of bed into a wheel chair and we made our way into the NICU and had to find him ourselves. There was a nurse there feeding him and she didn't even know he was our son. It felt so strange, like..."give me my baby, what is going on". He had a feeding tube up his nose. No one said anything to us. Is he ok? Is he dying? Why does he have that?
If I would have been in my right mind I would have yelled and been mad, but I didn't know what to do, so I just cried. She mumbled something to us about him not taking formula so they had to give it to him through a feeding tube. I just wanted to know if he was going to be OK, should I be worried. I was so scared.
We had to leave him there for a while and we went back later and he was off the tube and I was able to hold him. This picture is the first time after several hours and a whole night being a part that I was able to hold him.
I feel like everything from there on out was so weird and hard. I couldn't walk, and I couldn't sit up without incredible pain. Just like no one prepped me for what to expect in induction I had no clue what to expect for a C-section and recovery process. I just lived it as it happened and felt in over my head in how to deal.

 Daniel learned how to change him and they took him for his circumcision and they poked his little heels for blood and he screamed and this person came in to tell us to do it this way and another person came into do it that way, all the while trying to manage another two days in the horrid hospital.
I felt like a horrid and inept mother.
Even at our wellness check up, I was so weak from my C-section Daniel was wheeling me in 3 days later and I remember the nurse yelling at me for not walking.
When we finally got home I felt exhausted but relieved to be home.
I would take my medication for the pain and sweat buckets, presumably releasing all the fluids that come from pregnancy. I still felt overwhelmed.

Slowly we figured things out, and I healed and got stronger and learned Ashton and learned to love him and I suppose writing this tonight is me learning to forgive myself for not being able or heaven forbid willing to be the mother I thought I should have been during that whole time. That it was in fact, my first time, and no one knows what they are doing. That yes, it was a hard ordeal that I went through and guess what, Ashton is just fine...even if I did end up having to give him formula.
I always say I bet there are God loving men serving Jesus who were raised on formula,
 I guess life goes on.
I have heard that second time C-sections are better to deal with and quicker to recover from. And you know what, I don't mind doing it again for the simple fact that I have been through it before. I do know what to expect and I get to pick the day and go in for it. I won't be tired from waiting to go into labor and then be blindsided with C-section news, it will be the plan all along.
I will know what recovery looks like, have my wits about me in regards to my child, and know a little something about what being a mom looks like and what recovery means.
I am praying already about this process so much. That this time it will be a time of peace, a time when God provides me what I need and invite Him into the process. A time of love, perspective and strength.
I know this time, it's going to be different.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Healing Process

When you ask the Lord to show you your roots of brokenness....
be ready for Him to do so.
I know I both need to know to be healed and want to know.
Yet at the same time did not realize that it would hurt this much.
God has begun to show me clearly where and why I think and behave the way that I do.
Things that have paralyzed me, depressed me, haunted me, and confused me.
It's crazy because for so long I have wanted to go to therapy, but we don't have the money for that at the moment. But I told the Lord, "You are the Great Counselor" and I need you to counsel me. And He is. He is revealing things I need to recognize, confess, grieve, forgive, etc. The wonderful thing about going to Dr. God is that He not only reveals in order to process, but can also heal, free and bring into wholeness.

I have always had this sense that I need to "hurry up and be better".
Perhaps I think of my brokenness as a burden, my processing of pain as annoying and so I need to hurry up past this imperfection to become easier, for both myself and others.
But I am so overly aware that this is not a race.
That I am not going to wake up today, tomorrow, or even the next day and be whole and healed and ready, no matter how much I wish I could be.
And this is where I am changing.
Changing my thinking and changing my response to myself.
I choose to be my best friend, my cheerleader, my encourager.
To offer grace to myself instead of hatred.
Telling myself things like...
"It's ok to cry about that"
"Its ok to feel that and hurt about that"
"take your time"
"your beauty is far deeper than your appearance"
"its OK to love yourself and find beauty and be nice to yourself"
I am finding myself constantly thinking about how I can't control what others think of me, but I can control what I THINK!
If they choose to hate me, judge me, criticize me, well that is their problem, that is their issue.
I am aware that my issues are big enough to fill my hands without having to control or worry about others. But I can choose to be kinder to myself. To be brave. To not be controlled any longer by guilt or fear. To stand up in who I am, and to take the time to figure out who that is.
That actually, it's been allowing God to love me and show me how He loves me that is making this change in me. That He is there, walking with me, helping me, and wiping every tear, holding my hand and laying my head on His knees. Never in a hurry, just letting me be, just letting me go through it...and reminding me all the while that healing doesn't happen over night. To be patient with myself and that I don't have the ability or resources to heal myself, but He does.
Never in my life has the "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" been so real to me.
I will start to feel like I am drowning again. Feeling those old feelings of being trapped and stuck and hopeless and I will tell Him...
"Lord, I have no idea what to do! Don't let me go back there. Please help"
and HE DOES!
To be honest I am on a path of a bit or maybe a lot of trepidation.
I am literally broken open.
There they are, those yucky, ugly roots.
And we all know how it feels when our roots of our teeth are exposed.
Sharply painful!
And yet everyday the Lord takes me a little further,
replaces truth for the lies that I have believed for so long.
And even as I type this my three year old is playing his little paper guitar and singing that
Reliant K song....
"Pressing On"
and even this is a reminder from the Lord...
"and I won't sit back, and take this anymore, cause I'm done with that, I got one foot out the door. To go back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on"
I feel a fight in me today, a renewed energy.
That renewal of my mind is happening.
That I choose to think different thoughts about myself and different thoughts about others,
even strangers. That I am actually desperate for the mind of Christ and hanging onto Him for dear life for hope and freedom. I am so aware that this is not going to happen without His miraculous help.
And He is doing a miraculous healing in me.
And my sister and my husband have given me the greatest compliment that makes me cry...
that they see I am changing.
Glory to the Lord!
That the way I use to respond and the way I could not process before and would just shut down and be trapped in hopelessness, that I am choosing differently. I have a  perspective and understanding that I haven't had before.
And slowly I will become who God says I am. I will let go of who I think I am supposed to be, and just be me. And find a way to love myself, even when I am not perfect. That I can work towards being a better me in mind, body, spirit, etc...but not through hating myself to perfection, but rather love.
This is how God works with me, with all of us. And I will honor Him by doing the same.
Glorify yourself through my healing Lord.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

God Loves Ugly and thoughts on Beauty

So I mentioned in my birthday post that I got a book for my birthday called
"God Loves Ugly {and love makes beautiful}"
by Christa Black
and I am already finished with it.
You know that quote that says something about why we read, and how its because we don't feel alone. This was one of those books for me. It wasn't my exact story, but things were closely related enough to everything that I am going through that I know God steered me towards it, for sure.
So, I recommend it, but it may just be where I am at and all that, but I still think it's fabulous!
I write quotes down in my journals that I have underlined in books I have read. I have done that for a long time, and I think it is because it's almost like a review of what I have learned, re-enforcing what I have already learned. I have at least 7-9 pages of quotes from this book. I considered even re-writing them on my blog, but it would just take too here are just a few....
{one from every page in my journal.}
  • "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." {Luke 6:45} A person's words will always reveal the true nature of his or her heart.
  • Fear of inadequacy was one of my first fears in life. I hated letting people down, I hated disappointing anyone, and I definitely hated being less than perfect. I'm a work in progress, just like we all are, and I am constantly looking at my actions and tracing them back to their roots, which were usually formed in childhood. But my anger wasn't simply anger-it was rooted in and brought out by my fear of inadequacy.
  • I can always trace those behaviors back to a wounded root. Always. It might have been as minor as being chosen last for kickball. It might have been as seemingly insignificant as going shopping and not being able to find a pair of jeans that fit right. It might have been as silly as being the only girl not asked to dance at a school function. It an event happened that produced emotional pain of any kind that didn't have a chance to heal correctly, then more likely, the root is still there and has had a part in shaping who I am today
  • I would have told you that they worst problem in my life was an eating disorder or low self-esteem, addictions or depression. But I am able to see now that those were all just symptoms of a love deficiency. I had no idea how to love my self. I wanted others to love me, to accept me, to esteem me, but I didn't love, accept or esteem myself. In fact, I absolutely hated myself.
  • Somehow my performance mentality had convinced my brain that it was up to me to get my act together. I thought that in order to show God I loved Him and prove my love and devotion, I needed to fix myself. I believed that somehow the capability o clean house was in my wounded hands.
  • If I couldn't be the best , I'd just quit, or my body would follow my emotions and physically shut down. The core of my belief system was wired around the fact that my self-worth came solely from my performance, so if my performance resulted in anything but the best, I'd throw in the towel and swing for the opposite extreme, purposely sabotaging everything.
  • For years, I gave he majority of my thought time over to food, working out, my body, and my appearance. But because the bulk of those thoughts were coming from a place of self hatred and shame, my thoughts never empowered me to move toward healing or permanent change. You give power to what you focus your mind on.
  • The more I allowed anger, bitterness, and an unforgiving hear to fester inside, the more my worst nightmare became true. When you allow judgment to consume you, one of two things tends to happen: Either you become the polar opposite o what you hate, or you become what you hate...The more I focused my negative magnifying glass on what I saw as her shortcomings, the more I became the exact thing I was focusing on.
  • I started battling my thinking, which changed my beliefs, which altered my feelings, which began producing entirely different actions. In the process I was pulling out old painful roots, being loved and learning how to be forgiven, how to forgive myself, and then how to forgive others.
  • Believing Him was the first part, experiencing Him was the second, and receiving grace for the journey (the mess ups, the highs and lows, and the constant failures) was the third. I always thought grace was this weak little word. I thought it meant that I was pardoned and forgiven, but its infinitely bigger than that. The grace of God is His literal power to change and transform. I couldn't change myself. I wasn't strong enough.
  • Every time you feel the need or urge to run back to old patterns of destructive behavior, throw your hands in the air and give up, again and again and again as many times as it takes. God never tires as you offer your precious sacrifice of surrender. In fact, He lives to rescue you.
  • I learned His kindness and mercy, His gentleness and faithfulness, and His power and strength in the process of extreme pain. He could have kissed my boo-boo and made it all better instantly, instead He led me gently into the past, into the dark places of wounding and began to heal the trauma-one terrible memory at a time. I got be a part of the healing and I changed along the journey.
Whew, so hard not to write more. They were all so meaningful to me.
And so God is using this book along with all other streams that seem to be flowing into my life.
Even this morning someone had downloaded a new Beth Moore onto YouTube that I hadn't yet heard, and so many similar things. About letting the Lord till the ground in you that has become hard and pulling out roots that we are unaware are even there, yet define us every day.
I have been aware for a while, even if I hadn't known what to do with it, that I am really afraid of judgment. Perhaps I grew up around really judgmental people, or my church, or family, or friends. Or perhaps I am very judgmental myself and have judged those around me as ignorant, simple, etc for not seeing what the rest of the world could clearly see about them.
Regardless of how it got instilled in me, it's a beacon that definitely guides me on a regular basis. I have noticed that I will imagine the harshest thing someone could say to me, or about me, and then say this or something much worse to myself in order to make sure I am "living in reality" about myself. I have constantly demeaned or degraded myself, especially when it comes to my appearance, because I wouldn't want others to think I was delusional about what they were looking at.
But who are "these people" and what kind of friends are they to me if I have to fear their judgment of me at every turn. Sure the world judges easily the outward appearance of women, as if they need to put them in and keep them in their place of the pecking order of beauty.
Last year I wrote THIS post about Jessica Simpson and how rude and hurtful people were being about her weight in pregnancy. This year its Kim Kardashian. {I wonder if Jessica sighs with relief that for once the eye of hatred turns elsewhere}
I want to cry for them, because here are the most outwardly beautiful women in the world being called fat whales who's day has come and gone while the rest of us every day folks wonder what category that leaves us in.
And it's left me with this question about beauty, about my beauty and what I want it to mean and where I want it to come from. No matter what I look like on the outside.
{and still part of me has a hard time saying this and actually wondering if it's real at all}
When I think of the Lord and the way He has been with me at times in my life, including this one...
His beauty captivates me. Of course I don't see anything. But what radiates from Him is this love and peace, the kind that makes you take a deep sigh and know that it is all ok, you are safe.
That I want my beauty to come from Him defining me, and telling me I am loved. Not by scratching and clawing and fighting for someone to tell me.
Last night Ashton came into our room and was whimpering in his sleep. Daniel finally moved him back to his bed, but that was me. WIDE AWAKE!
I had heart burn and other pregnancy woes and just sat up.
I started realizing what a long process of believing this all is.
I just started crying, because even though I want to change my thoughts about myself, and I know I need to, I have been thinking hateful and broken things so long it's hard for me.
I think the simplicity of the lie that I have been believing for so long is that I don't deserve to be loved because I am ugly and overweight.
So when Daniel or anyone tells me I am beautiful, I can not accept it. I have already told myself millions of times that no one can really be truly beautiful if they are fat. And Daniel started tickling my back as he noticed I was awake and I just heard from the Lord
"accept it".
Not because he pities this ugly woman who he is now stuck with for life, but because he really loves me.
Accept it.
 Accept that the God of the universe who made all things, died on a cross and gave me the same power that raised Christ from the dead calls me acceptable, loveable, beautiful...
Accept it.
Because the truth is, like C.S. Lewis said, we are not a body, we are a soul that has a body. And someday I will not be this body, but I will still be me. And what makes me, me. And what makes someone who might be average to look at, your favorite person, because of that "it" factor, or peace or love that can only come from God.
There are roots that God is showing me and will show me, the ones that hurt and the ones we have to dig up, and the ones He wants to heal.
Things I have been unwilling to look at, acknowledge, be really broken over.
I am willing now.
I want to accept my part, forgive others, and let God bring fertile ground to the places that have become hardened through hurt. To bring fruit and life to.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

My little 3 year old

I have been thinking a lot about what it is going to be like to have two kids and two boys! 
What is it like to go from loving one so much to two?
 Tell me mothers of more than 1:)

Ashton is pretty easy as a kid overall, so I wonder if Eisy will be crazier or calmer. He
 does have a dramatic side which I am sure he gets from his dad {wink wink}, 
but he was so easy in his transitions. 
Taking his bottle, his pacifier, switching to big boy bed, potty training, etc. 
In that way he was non-stressful and things I worried about before hand, I never really should have. 
I am sure part of that is just doing it for the first time.

I know overall Daniel and I are laid back and we run our household laid back, 
so Ashton and the new baby will most likely respond to this plus just having our genes.

Ashton is also great at playing alone. He has a great imagination...
Currently his favorite things to play with are:

  • Jake and the Neverland Pirates
  • Cars
  • Cooking with his kitchen (sometimes)

But even though he is great playing alone, he also LOVES other kids. Like yesterday my mom and I walked him to the park and the first thing he says is "where are the kids?" 
He just wants to run around with them and play.
 He also loves his cousins for that reason, he calls them his "best friends".

I think he is going to be an excellent big brother and such a big helper. We already talk about how he is going to help me so much with everything and he is already calling his brother Eisy Peisy! ha ha

He is such a character, something I know for sure that he got from his dad. He is so goofy and likes to laugh for no apparent reason at all. I love our little mommy and son relationship and he already knows how to wrap me around his finger. Like when he is in bed, after the story and songs, and will say 
"Moooooom, I need a hug!" How can you say no to that??
I've also started telling him stories about when I was little and when he was little. 
He likes that.

He also likes to say "I'm gonna play just 5 more minutes", but somehow figured out 20 is more, so that is what he wants now. He also likes to run around our condo, which we now let him do since the people below us moved out, just back and forth, back and forth. 

He loves to perform. He told my mom he doesn't want to dance or play an instrument, just sing! ha.
Every Sunday after we get him from Sunday School he has to go in to the auditorium which he calls church class ( I think because of all the chairs? He calls the movies "movie class" as well).
If they are still playing, all the better.

When we were at the park the other day there was a Cars birthday party going on there and he wouldn't play, he just stood there listening and dancing to the soundtrack.
His favorite song, for a long time now is 
Life is a Highway 
and wants to be videoed singing it all the time.

Here is more of his singing and dancing.

We have these dance parties on a pretty regular basis.
We all have to be in there and we all have to be dancing. Ha ha.

He has his fiesty moments for sure. Especially sans nap! Oh boy!
This week he went all week without one, partly because we were out and the other he just couldn't settle down for. We try for two hours, spankens and all...
and then out he comes
"Can I come here now? Do you guess so?"

The only plus to this has been him sleeping in to 8:30-9:00 every day!
I am definitely taking advantage of this before the baby comes and then "what sleep?"

When I was going through my hard time I got this weird tick where when I would think thoughts that made me feel anxious I would blurt out
"I love you!"
to Daniel or Ashton,
almost all the time because that was how often it happened.
It was my way of breaking the thoughts.
Now Daniel knows to ask me whats wrong and its even weird when I find myself doing it now,
wondering what I am deflecting from thinking about.

But the good thing that has come from this, is Ashton tells me all the time now...just randomly...
I love you mom!

I LOVE it!
Because I do love him and glad he loves me too.

His little compassionate self,
{also like Daniel}
he can't stand to see anyone, cartoon or real cry.
He hated when I cried and would always say
I felt bad but am also grateful for his soft heart that is moved by others.

I love my little Dash!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Birthday & Baby

It was my birthday on Monday and it was a great one, even though I can't believe I am 32! What? Here are some photos of the festivities....

On Saturday it was a beautiful day and we went for our first long walk of the season! {we won't mention that it snowed several inches yesterday, I am getting annoyed with THAT!}

The trail led us in a big loop which led us back to the big park {which was packed with little Lacrosse players} and Ashton played on the playground for a little while before we walked to Taco Bell for lunch. We then walked back and right after getting back in our condo we got a knock on the door from the Edible Arrangement man who sang happy birthday to me.


Then Daniel and I went out that night for my birthday dinner!

 We went to a new place we hadn't tried over at Park Meadows called Sandia.

I had a BBQ Chicken Salad, so good!

And a banana empenada {that ice cream did a number on my stomach, however}

Sunday we went to church and nothing too exciting that day. Just relaxed.

Monday the weather was GORGEOUS!!!

Daniel had to work but my mom came and got Ashton and I and we went to Starbucks to get our free birthday drinks, and a donut because I wanted one for my birthday!

We then went and dropped Ashton off with my dad and went to the nail salon. I haven't had a pedicure in well over a year and Daniel said I could get a full set, so we did that.

We walked around Southlands {an outdoor mall} and ended up at Barnes and Noble and my mom got me a book which is what I really wanted. I ended up with one called God Loves Ugly, I will let you know how it goes.

We then went to the Woody Creek Cafe and shared lunch and then back home waiting!

My main present from Daniel was to get a gender check from in a sonogram, I just wanted to know what we were having. It couldn't come fast enough,

It took us a while to find the place, and Daniel never made it in time, but we found out!

Here are some of his pics...

If you can see his legs are over his head, why is he smashing himself like this???

His little skeleton face looking at us. He even yawned at the end, it was funny.

This is the the moment!

Daniel watched the sonogram for about 2 hours, not convinced this shows anything. {I tell him all the time that I forget he is a professional at all things, a doctor, geographer, carpenter, and therefore has the right to question anyone who went to school for such things... ha ha ha}

But he called his mom and she told us how to do the ring test, and this confirmed the boy....ha ha. I think he started to become more convinced at this point.

According to this sonogram the due date is Aug 28th? So who knows when I will actually have him, but there ya go.

After that we walked around the mall but Ashton was acting a fool with no nap so we had to go straight to dinner which was going to Maggianos but Yard House was right there, so that is where we went. It was really yummy!

I got impatient with announcing this baby boy and so just figured out my own simple way to announce it finally to the world. This is what I came up with....

and that is one of the silhouettes I took from yesterdays update.

21 Weeks

Oh also, my mom paid for me to get my hair done which I did on Tuesday. I wanted to go lighter but ended up darker, hmmm...oh well such is life. Here it is KINDA done!

Also, I wanted to share the video of when I told my family that we were expecting.
I had made them photo calendars for Chritmas but waited till Kelsey came to give them all at once. When I found out I was expecting I jut put my expected due date on the calendar, which I knew they would look through. At that time it was Sept 9th.

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