Sometimes there is so much going on in my life to think about that I just don't think much about the baby. I think wanting to know the sex and therefore bond with the baby is something I am sort of anticipating.
I am sitting here feeling their little kicks to my insides and wondering what they will be like, look like, what will we name them, etc etc. Will they be like my Ashton or completely different? Outgoing, shy, good sleeper, eater, pooper? You know?
I am taking photos to document my belly growth every other week. Since I think I will have the baby at 39 weeks, it should work out ok. My self image throughout pregnancy is spotty at best, but the truth is that I will forget this time soon enough, but it's to document a precious life that is inside of me regardless of what I think about myself. So these photos are for that person, whoever they may be. I can't yet imagine the love I will have for them. If its anything like what I feel for Ashton, I can't wait:)
Here is 17 weeks
Here is 19 weeks
Here is Ashton and I
this week (19)
Being a stay at home mom is hard. I have some friends that are excellent at it. I think that I have this idea in my head that I need money, a car, and good mental health to be a really good stay at home mom. But I think even people who have all of this, it's still hard.
I am wondering if this toddler stage is a part that is the hardest? Before there are games, or school, or all of that. Not business hard, because there isn't any of that. But psychologically hard because there is a lot of just "home time", at least for us, and for me that has equaled a lot of or TOO MUCH thinking time. Thinking about how I fall short, watching others succeed or do things I used to do or wish I could do, etc. Really a time of losing identity completely. Who am I?
Sometimes I feel like I wish I could DO something else, so that I could escape my own head. But soon enough I know Ashton will be going to school and this slow part of motherhood will be long gone.
I sometimes have to tell myself that what I am doing, chosen to do, etc....it matters. It matters to Ashton, and I am glad and grateful to be able to do that for him. That its ok that I am not a super woman who does everything. That is not me, I am a be-er and not a do-er by nature. That God gave Ashton and this next little one to Daniel and I for a reason.
Yes, for sure, I will affect the negatively in some way. But overall, who they are...they were given to me and for all my flaws, there must be something I can give them that no one else would. They are my gift. And soon, I will be crying that they are going to college and leaving me forever.
I am trying to realize this time is shorter than it feels, to give myself grace but also realize that maybe I have more time to analyze things that maybe don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things.
And just pray for wisdom.