Yesterday was a good day.
The biggest blessing in it besides the Lord Himself was the gorgeous weather that I soaked up as much as possible. It was around 70 and just perfect. I love when it's like this and I can't wait for it to be so consistently for the spring. It's starting, slowly. They say snow tonight, but...I deny that!
I had been wanting to watch the Passion and it was on Saturday night on TV so we sat and watched it and I cried through most of it, as expected.
It just makes someone you love so real, and the sacrifice so tangible.
I am so grateful for what the Lord has done for me.
That by his wounds I am healed.
I feel like it was so fresh to me yesterday, as if every word that I had heard for years was the first time I was hearing them again.
My love for Him overwhelmed my heart and I think things are going to be better for me.
The sermon was timely in that he was talking about being who you are created to be. To figure out what it is you were made to do and go out and live large. I so want to. I know I am always in such a big hurry with myself. Like, "OK I feel better, now let's get on with the thing..." but I know the completion of this healing process will be longer than I may want it to be. I want to give myself the time because I don't want to get frustrated with myself or circumstances either.
The other BIG thing the Lord did for me this week/weekend was let me see and feel His love so tangibly. I was literally freaking out with the idea of having to move to Pueblo for Daniel's work. I was trying hard to trust the Lord and thank goodness how I act does not determine how the Lord responds to me. I was frustrated with Daniel and finally asked him to at least check to see if there were other options than moving. Not now, not that I have my family, an awesome church, mentors, doctors, etc coming up on a pregnancy that frightens me just a tad. So he did.
It was no big deal at all and they are giving him a position in Denver in July and he didn't have to quit after all:) I am so so so thankful for this and thankful that I get to stay in beautiful Denver for the time being.
But for all the positive that has been happening and growing, yesterday I was hit hard again with my self image issues. It's like they really haven't been a big deal for a while and it just was what it was, but yesterday it was like a constant barrage of thoughts and sadness over what I look like.
I am just trying to be as honest as possible. Be the real me. The me that is almost always disappointed in myself for not being more beautiful.
I really don't like my brown/red hair anymore. It's all faded and dry and I just want my blonde hair back. My mom might help me get it done for my birthday, but I just feel ugly with it....no matter how I do it.
The other thing is just my body. I know I am almost 18 weeks pregnant, and again, I am supposed to be all "in awe" of it, but I just feel huge and yucky all the time.
It's like I feel this need to do something to prove to myself I still have some redeeming piece of beauty. I am not sure how to reconcile it all and I really need to ask the Lord about it, because it's a huge part of my struggle, I know this as well.
I want to enjoy life and not be OBSESSED with it, but obviously need to take better care of myself which I am not good at, not yet. But if the Lord can help me in one area, He can help me in all. And I want to open up every area that hurts me, especially...so he can bring love to that place and healing.
I am starting to trust and believe, at least, that every little thing He has purpose, healing, plans for me to work through with Him.