Sunday, June 23, 2013

Please See Me

I remember after my first year out of high school and leaving college after a semester, being broken up with my boyfriend I really liked for no apparent reasons, sort of having a "friends with benefits" relationship with an ex, working, getting fired for false accusations, going to community college, going to Northern Ireland for three weeks in the summer and then trying to go back to Biola, fasting and then ending up back in Northern Ireland with YWAM, I was raw to say the least.
I remember going there full of faith, watching God move to give me the money I needed for my DTS and heading there a week late due to 9/11. There I was on a piece of farm land amongst the cows, the grass, the rain and 30 or so people I had never met. Every week we learned on a different topic and I would go in the prayer room for hours and just pray and read God's word.
 
I believe this time in my life was the first that I experienced God's intimacy with me. There was something so special about the whole thing, learning and experiencing God and what I believed for myself.
 
 
But I remember a strange emotion, jealousy. I was surrounded by people of different cultures; German, English, Swedish, Northern Irish, Americans and some weird Canadians {wink wink Holls}...and they had these amazing walks with the Lord and had such intimacy with Him. Its not like I was the only one at home who had these things with Him, but for some reason at this point in my experience I wanted it to be special, just He and I. I didn't want to share Him, what an odd feeling to think or feel about GOD?!
 
But perhaps this was when my relationship began to change with Him. That He wasn't some deity way out there who was waiting to slap my wrist when I was wrong or waiting impatiently in heaven as I begged Him for things. He was someone who knew me, who I knew, who interacted with me, and who saw me. I was learning what it meant to be in love with Him, not just love Him.
 
This intimacy heightened again when I was back in Northern Ireland a few years later with YFC. It was my second year there and we were on a leadership training program. I could write an entire post on that year, the only way to describe it in my words was "magical". The intimacy and love I felt from the Lord were tangible, as if I were walking in clouds some days.
He would call me "princess" during that time. I would see signs, get presents, read verses, etc that all had to do with being a princess and each time I would hear the Lord's affirmation that it was a gift to me, from Him. I was always looking and aware of these little gifts that He would give me, maybe nothing to others, but to me...the world.
 
I was, at that time of course, looking for my future husband and the whole romance of the thing was not lost on me. A few years earlier my friend and I would call it being "rotic" which is romantic without the man. And lets face it, how can you not feel that way being in the ruins of the coast of Ireland, going on horse back rides and playing in sand dunes. It was just an amazing time. I just wanted to be seen, yes, mostly by a man...but I think at the core of the desire was that I was significant, and the Lord started to speak to me about this. I remember going to our monthly youth events in the city and we would always sing Beautiful One. You know "Beautiful one, I love you, beautiful one, I adore..." God spoke to me that this was our song, and He would sing it to me sometimes. I would just cry.
I prayed and thought a lot about the Psalm that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" and I prayed He would show me how to delight in Him, and this year was full of delight. Amazing people, tons of laughter, lots of learning deep and meaningful truths about God, and this sense of hope just at my fingertips. There was one time at the end of the year when we stayed at this gorgeous hostile up on a hill with a little creek running through it. At that time the boy I had a crush on had given me a flower and we were sent to spend some time reflecting on what the Lord had done in and through us that year, my heart was so full.
I found a tree and climbed up in with my journal and just talked to the Lord as I had all year. I had begun to expect Him to be wonderful to me, just for the sake of intimacy. In the distance I saw what looked like thunder clouds, which they didn't have in the country, and I asked Him for one. That night after all was done I sat in the living area of the hostile writing more in my journal and I saw the lightening and heard the thunder. My heart swelled with my love, from my Jesus. He saw me, He loved me that intimately.
Once you have experienced the Lord like this, you are really ruined for life. Although lies in these past years have choked out the intimacy we used to have, I believe this time around it will be so much more different and real.
 
I am doing Priscilla Shirer's Gideon study this summer as my mom bought me the book, and I thought, why not? I watched her second teaching video on Friday and it was so good, and so fitting.
 
Recently I feel like I have this need to scratch and claw for my identity. It's no big secret that when you become a mom you feel pretty invisible. The things that have always defined me, no longer do, at least not in this season. And it's amusing that it's having all your dreams come true; husband and children, that put you in this place. Different time of life, different dreams and prayers, same deep desire. Do you see me? Not how I look, not how I act necessarily, but me? The real me, in my eyes, the part of me that makes me...me?
 
 
And I know this is part of what this time set aside between the Lord and I really is. Me, asking Him, who am I? Only He really knows, and it's only by spending time with Him and receiving His love that this is revealed to me. 
 
And so listening to Priscilla talk about Gideon in this video it seemed so to pertain to really my situation. Not to mention that the sermon today at church, which was a guest speaker, also seemed to go right along as well. Here are some things I feel the Lord spoke or reiterated to me...
 
God came to Gideon in his place of hiding. It was not ideal in circumstance, but he was being faithful where he was. Taking up your cross every day and choosing obedience is how we love God.
 
 He was characterized by his fear, insecurity and timidity, but God calls him by His potential and not by his current behavior.
 
The word of God sits upon our hearts, until it is broken, then it falls in your heart.
Death is the precursor to being clean.
 
 
The angel of the Lord came, appeared and looked at Gideon. He didn't just know about him, or acknowledge he was alive, HE looked at Him.
 
And in Acts 13 in speaking about David is says God testified about David, and he was called a "maa after God's own heart".
 
After hearing Priscilla's talk, I did feel like it was God's way of telling me that He saw me. I had just been praying to Him that I wanted to feel special to Him again. That I wanted to start seeing His glory again and seeing Him do big God things, that only He could do, nothing I said, did or manipulated.
 
And then later that day Priscilla re-tweeted my tweet that I hash tagged #lessonsfromgideon, which I thought was A-MA-ZING, and I thanked her...and then she messaged me back!! God's seeing. This is particularly amazing as I have fantasies as I watch my favorite speakers and authors talking to each other on twitter and imagine I am part of that, that I am friends with them too, ha. And once again, I felt my heart swell with love from the Lord. This little thing, seemingly insignificant to most people, but blesses me beyond measure.
 
And I pray this is just the beginning of new expectancy of intimacy with the Lord. Not one thing that I struggle or claw to get, because anything we manipulate to get...we will never keep anyways. Learning again to delight in Him and let Him to delight me, to look for Him and expect Him, to enjoy being in love with my Savior that is in fact alive, and in fact, in love with me, and I am special to Him and He does see me. I would rather be seen by Him than all the important people in the world, and I am realizing once again, like the speaker said today...
 
True transformational change doesn't come from revelation, but with intimacy with Jesus.

 
 And as I finished reading this over before posting, a huge thunder rolled through the sky ;)
Thank you Lord.




1 comment:

  1. Amazing. I relate to the "invisibleness" of being a mom sometimes. I miss that intimacy of my younger years when I felt every conversation or event was God leading me somewhere or teaching me something. I long for that anticipation of his love like those days again.

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