Have you ever felt like there were a million things going on and yet like nothing had happened all at the same time? I guess that is how I have felt about blogging lately. Maybe its more that I didn't know what to write about or what to say about things, but I am here to attempt to process what has been going on lately.
The week days have been fine. Ashton and I doing our thing in the house, even keeping things picked up and clean on "most days" and listening to any teaching I can get my hand on while I do it. I will listen to probably 10-20 teachings a week I would guess. Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer, Priscilla Shirer and today finally found one I hadn't heard from Kay Arthur. I have been spending good time with the Lord praying and reading out of a new, pretty Bible my mom found in her house. It's been good.
The weekends are another story. For some reason I find myself super irritable and grumpy, especially with Daniel. He has this new job in which we make more money and one of our marital weaknesses is that he doesn't always keep me posted on the goings on of our money. I just assume, making more money equals more money to spend for me. I waited and waited for pay day and then was suddenly informed that no, we still can't buy anything. WHAT?
Apparently when we were making less the bills didn't always get paid, or paid on time which led to having some cushion cash...now we are making more to pay the bills in full and on time, so this means NOTHING LEFT. At least this is what I understand. Just like everything else, our finances are a work in progress.
Yet, I have had little grace for this little problem. All I can think is, "I sit in this stinkin house (condo) all week long with NO CAR and then on the weekends I get to ....wait for it....do NOTHING!" I realize when praying about it earlier today that I just sound like a brat stomping my feet and saying "no fair, boo hoo hoo, poor me" but it has really been getting to me. But I think more than that I am praying so much for God to change me, renew my mind, make me more like Him, etc....but in these moments of feeling like this, like I take care of all these things and no one takes care of me (in no uncertain terms) that I become the ugly, yucky Ashley that I am trying to be redeemed from.
Almost like, what was all the prayers and wanting to learn for, if its not to be less of a brat to my husband? Ya know?
And then I remembered on Friday I found a link from Beth Moore's blog to a video she had made that I listened to as I was folding laundry. To be honest I can't recall right now what in the world the whole devotion was about, but at the end she encouraged the listener to ask God these things and for Him to speak to them over the next 10 days.
- What is in my heart?
- What do you see in me?
- Who am I?
- What are my gifts, strengths, weaknesses?
- What have you created me for?
- Am I being deceived by anything?
Ahh yes, the talk was something to the effect that the difference between a lie and a deceit is that you have been deceived when the lie that was told to you...worked.
And as I started praying about all this I just sobbed uncontrollably. I cried a lot over the weekend as well, and although I knew that I was frustrated about my very boring life, I could not put my finger on what was making me feel so hurt about it all. As if Daniel had purposely paid the bills so I couldn't go to dinner or something? It truly felt like a hurt and not just an inconvenience.
And I just felt like the Lord told me,
"You have deep mistrust and unbelief in your heart"
And you know, this hurts to hear, again. Because it seems like...sheesh, how many things do I need to confess and look at here. But then again, I had ASKED HIM! And I do want to know and see and understand.
And as I wrote in my prayer journal and bawled my eyes out in this pain, I realized, yes, He was..of course, right.
I think I am in a vulnerable place, a really vulnerable place. I don't have a job, I don't make my own money, I depend on Daniel for many things, money probably being the least valuable of all of them yet still important. We women feel security in knowing we can get the things we need, should we need them. I don't have a car, I am pregnant and my body does weird things and looks weird. I feel like I am extra vulnerable in my heart and soul right now as well, like laying there open on the surgery table, just a little sensitive. (not to mention never knowing if being pregnant in general might have some to do with random bursts of emotions).
But I am afraid to tell the Lord what I think we need, or even what I think I need or what I want. I am afraid that if I do, and He says no, and I don't understand, that I will be hurt, and broken still. As if real love depends on getting what we ask for all the time, but what are we supposed to do when we don't. And so I told Him I was scared of all this and I told Him about feeling vulnerable and that I literally can't help myself in this season in any way, none. Its weird, and hard, and scary! To know that a baby is coming and we literally have nothing for that baby and don't know how we are going to get those things.
So, I made Him a list of all the things I have been wanting or needing and the baby will need when he is here. But mostly I just prayed that He would help me have the faith that He is my great provider, that He would help my unbelief and help me to trust Him again.
And then I picked up my Bible to read where I left off....
2 Corinthians 12 and in verse 9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
and in Proverbs 3:11 "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the so in whom he delights"
And I think I did see this as a discipline, I asked Him to show me what was in my heart and this is one of those things. I don't trust Him to be a good, loving and generous Father. Even if I am trying to make new and better choices and praying for God to renew me, this was still what came out when I was feeling vulnerable and hopeless and grumpy. That is what is really in there.
So I pray, once again, that He can help change me. I truly don't have the power or smarts to change myself. I think I am doing good, feeling strong, and then gross fleshy Ashley is like....I am the top Bi-otch around here. Ha. But really.
Whew, processes that I wish could go faster, just like my pregnancy;) But I know God has asked me not to hide behind things that have given me worth in the past. My hair, my confidence, clothes, money, significance, place in church, etc....and well, He is taking me to the literal here.