Saturday, May 25, 2013


So I have been thinking a little recently about what another C-section will be like. I am not one to live in the future yet at the same time I like to know what to expect, if that makes sense. I suppose I could try and have a VBAC but, to be honest, I really don't want to.
The plan is now to get my tubes tied while they are all up in there, when you are done..
you are done;)
Like I have talked or written about many a time, having another baby makes me nervous.
To be honest, I think I may have experienced some PTSD around the birth of Ashton.
This might sound extreme and could be inaccurate but this is the definition I found of it in regards to child birth....
"Birth trauma is an event that occurs during any phase of the childbearing process than involves actual or threatened serious injury or death to the mother or her infant. The trauma can be classified as a negative outcome, such as a postpartum hemorrhage, or psychological distress. Experiencing this extremely traumatic stressor, a woman’s response can be intense fear, helplessness, loss of control, and horror. (Beck, 229)"
I can't say for sure, but it was a rough time on me.
I went in to be "induced" and that was not explained to me. I was a week late and I thought they would give me some drugs and I would go into labor and have the baby that night or next morning. I had no clue that it could take up to THREE days!
I was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines which made it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom, let alone sleep or shower.
They moved my room three times throughout the process.
They gave me Pitocin, which actually did NOTHING for me.
At one point I was having something that resembled contractions and they gave me meds so I could try to sleep.
The nurses, of which I had countless of, would randomly come in and look at the movement monitor and freak me out by saying he wasn't moving enough or his heartbeat didn't look normal.
I just remember crying.
What was going on??
After the third day of trying in all sorts of "fun" manners to get me to efface, dilate, go into labor they declared it a failed induction and scheduled me for the C-section.
They had to put it off however many hours because I had eaten.
So I have been in the hospital three days, barely any sleep, pushed prodded and tied to machines. I was physically exhausted and mentally and emotionally so drained. I could care less that I had to have a C-section, just get this baby OUT OF ME!
I remember feeling like I was in a daze of sorts. If I did close my eyes I would dream instantly, that is how exhausted I was.
They got me ready for the procedure and I wasn't nervous at all, like I said, it all felt like a dream.
They sat me on the table and told me they were going to give me a spinal and to swing my legs up immediately because I would lose feeling in them fast.
They laid me back and got the whole set up done. My anesthesiologist told me that if I felt worried or like I couldn't breath to let her know. At one point I did and she said,
"we do hundreds of these a week, they all know just what to do, don't worry"
So I relaxed a bit.
They blow this warm air on your arms, I think its so you can't hear anything and again a few dreamy like minutes later and out came Ashton.
He didn't cry, which of course concerned me. Daniel said he had a look on his face like
"what the heck? I was nice and comfy in there".
He was 9lb 9oz so pretty glad I didn't have to push him out and no wonder he wasn't moving much, he was smashed in there.
They took us to a recovery area and I started getting so cold. They finally gave him to me to try and get him to eat and I was still so out of it feeling. He wouldn't eat and the nurse is freaking out about it and kind of like yelling at me, like I knew ANYTHING? But it was freaking me out.
The next thing I knew we were in some weird recovery room, which I stayed in till we left. The grandparents and siblings came to see him for a few minutes and I have very little memory of this night. All I wanted to do was go to sleep.
And there is some weird guilt around that. Here I have just had my first precious child and I just want to go to sleep. I was on my 4th day of being awake nearly the whole time, just had major surgery and can't seem to get my baby enough food, and I just wanted to shut my eyes.
That night I kept trying to breastfeed but he wouldn't latch or whatever. Nurses were in and out and they took him to the NICU and then brought him back and then took him back and I just fell asleep. I just couldn't take it.
Nurses were coming in and putting these weird booty things on my legs, I suppose to help circulation. They were seeing to my catheter (which honestly was magical at the time), I had to blow in this contraption to help my lungs do something, I was on pain medication and when I would ask for more, that particular nurse seemed to think I was some sort of drug attic. All I knew was that I was really tired, and I was really in pain and was trying to make it through the night. It was very scary, it was very lonely. I had no idea what was happening to me and I had no idea what was happening to Ashton.
Daniel was just as tired as I was, trying to sleep his 4th night on that pull out bed thing.
The next morning I was finally awake and aware enough to ask, "where is my kid?"
I think Daniel knew, but I didn't. He was still in the NICU and no one bothered to fill me in on what was happening with my brand new child. I hobbled out of bed into a wheel chair and we made our way into the NICU and had to find him ourselves. There was a nurse there feeding him and she didn't even know he was our son. It felt so strange, like..."give me my baby, what is going on". He had a feeding tube up his nose. No one said anything to us. Is he ok? Is he dying? Why does he have that?
If I would have been in my right mind I would have yelled and been mad, but I didn't know what to do, so I just cried. She mumbled something to us about him not taking formula so they had to give it to him through a feeding tube. I just wanted to know if he was going to be OK, should I be worried. I was so scared.
We had to leave him there for a while and we went back later and he was off the tube and I was able to hold him. This picture is the first time after several hours and a whole night being a part that I was able to hold him.
I feel like everything from there on out was so weird and hard. I couldn't walk, and I couldn't sit up without incredible pain. Just like no one prepped me for what to expect in induction I had no clue what to expect for a C-section and recovery process. I just lived it as it happened and felt in over my head in how to deal.

 Daniel learned how to change him and they took him for his circumcision and they poked his little heels for blood and he screamed and this person came in to tell us to do it this way and another person came into do it that way, all the while trying to manage another two days in the horrid hospital.
I felt like a horrid and inept mother.
Even at our wellness check up, I was so weak from my C-section Daniel was wheeling me in 3 days later and I remember the nurse yelling at me for not walking.
When we finally got home I felt exhausted but relieved to be home.
I would take my medication for the pain and sweat buckets, presumably releasing all the fluids that come from pregnancy. I still felt overwhelmed.

Slowly we figured things out, and I healed and got stronger and learned Ashton and learned to love him and I suppose writing this tonight is me learning to forgive myself for not being able or heaven forbid willing to be the mother I thought I should have been during that whole time. That it was in fact, my first time, and no one knows what they are doing. That yes, it was a hard ordeal that I went through and guess what, Ashton is just fine...even if I did end up having to give him formula.
I always say I bet there are God loving men serving Jesus who were raised on formula,
 I guess life goes on.
I have heard that second time C-sections are better to deal with and quicker to recover from. And you know what, I don't mind doing it again for the simple fact that I have been through it before. I do know what to expect and I get to pick the day and go in for it. I won't be tired from waiting to go into labor and then be blindsided with C-section news, it will be the plan all along.
I will know what recovery looks like, have my wits about me in regards to my child, and know a little something about what being a mom looks like and what recovery means.
I am praying already about this process so much. That this time it will be a time of peace, a time when God provides me what I need and invite Him into the process. A time of love, perspective and strength.
I know this time, it's going to be different.

1 comment:

  1. Not too much longer before it is time for him to come! I'm sure you remember my nightmare first delivery with Cade. Very horrific! BUT - I will say...the second time was a completely different story. Even having a planned c-section w/o the trauma will make such a HUGE difference. My milk had a super hard time coming in with Cade too as a result of the trauma on my body...but with Ryland and the other problemo! I really think this next time around you will be able to relax and enjoy the process!!!! I know you have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy (I think we all do to some extent!) but try and relax and savor that sweet little boy growing inside of you. Such a miracle! I'm so excited for you guys...brothers are so much fun!!! Hugs!!!!!


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