Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I want to write down what is happening right now in my life as a way to remember all that God is doing. It's so easy to forget all the answered prayers and all the little things that He is doing all the way.
The Lord told the Israelites when they were crossing the Jordan in Joshua 4
"Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”
So I suppose these posts are my points of remembrance to God's faithfulness to me during this time...
Last night I went to my parents small group which is led by one of the pastors of our church, who happens to be Northern Irish. They had been praying for me while my mom fasted for me and my mom asked if I could come and be prayed for. They said yes, of course.
At the end of the study and prayer pastor Rob pulled me aside to ask if I struggled with guilt? I do, it is or HAS BEEN all encompassing part of my life in the last years, maybe more. He asked what I feel guilty about and I said that I am pregnant and I am not excited about it, that I am going to have a baby and that I don't like the baby stage, to ask for help, for not serving enough in church, etc. etc.
He asked if the group could pray for me before they all left and told them about my guilt issue and that it seemed like I was just guilty for being alive, and that really resonated with me. He said it was a false guilt and they prayed it would be broken over me, have no more control or heaviness over me. They were all so loving and supportive and the whole thing really reminded me of my time in Northern Ireland, truth, hope, love, the Spirit at work.
I came home and told Daniel everything, and had the sweetest sleep. I am asking the Lord for increased faith and to help my unbelief about who I am in the Lord, my authority, and the power that lives and works in me. That Jesus did in fact die for my freedom and I am holy, it is my identity.
The other "revelation" of the night was about this process, about how it works.
I am not sure I have written about this yet, but I felt the idea or thought about Elizabeth (the mother of Jesus' cousin John the Baptist) kept coming to my mind one day and felt really to have significance. I couldn't really think why but my new mentor encouraged me to just ask the Lord. So I did.
I felt like He said that this was like a time of new life growing inside me spiritually as well as physically. I have also considered how long Elizabeth had waited for a child, something that she thought might never come, and the purpose was great and significant.
Then last night I was telling Daniel about all that and how I can no more wish myself done with this process than I can wish myself done with this pregnancy. Every stage has significance and meaning, but the revelation part was that I do NOTHING to grow this child inside of me. I take care of myself, vitamins, food, doctor, etc. but I have nothing to do with the growth of its nails, blood flow, hearing, nothing, it just happens. I am just the host and God does all the work. I am just here, waiting, feeling the changes before they are evident to the world around me. But then in the process along the way, people will start to see that life, they will see what has been happening for some time inside, and then one day that child emerges and for the first time we are seeing what has been growing for months and months, the life and beauty that God Himself was developing and creating.
And the other thing that I thought just now, as I write this, is that pregnancy for me is just plain...ugly. I feel ugly, I look ugly, I have acne that won't quit, I have puffiness, I have tired eyes that just don't look like myself, its just part of the process for me. I can't control it, or change it. It's not beautiful, but the end result IS. It's not forever, it doesn't have to devastate me, it's just a short time in life that has purpose even in the unattractiveness of this period. So while I find that I can't be beautiful on the outside right now, I pray the Lord makes me more beautiful on the inside. Who I really am, free.
Posted by Ashley Jackson at 10:18 AM